Secrets
by RumpaldiStardust
Summary: N/J drabbles; possibly to be multi-chaptered. Nigel and Jordan are carrying on a discrete and covert affair and are trying to navigate the intricacies of such a relationship without wrecking the friendship they already have as well as the family they have at the Boston Medical Examiner's Office.
1. Knackered, Knickers

SECRETS

Timeline: Takes place after S4 E8 "Fire From the Sky"

A/N: So if you haven't read ScrewyDame's N/J fic "London After Midnight" and you exist in this fandom, you're missing out. I don't care that it was published in 2004, it's still one of my favourite fics and probably one of the best fanfics I've ever read, period.

It's amusing to me that this is my first published fic in... oh so many years. I've bounced between fandoms like an ADHD cocker-spaniel who got into a box of ground coffee. You'll have to excuse me...

The premise of this story (series of stories?) is that Nigel and Jordan are having a tentative affair and trying to figure out what it means, how they can keep it on the down low, etc etc. I do hope you enjoy; if Nigel/Jordan isn't your thing, please feel free to click away or, read and critique the writing NOT the pairing. Thank you!

\- RumpaldiStardust

* * *

Knackered, Knickers

Jordan rubbed her tired eyes with one hand, stretching her legs out on the couch as she listened to the television play some kind of bland sitcom. She had just let her eyes drift shut when she heard a soft knock at the door. Letting out an exasperated sigh, she hoisted herself from the warmth of the couch and her blankets and padded sleepily to the door, glancing at the clock as she did so. Who was here at 4:30 in the morning?

"Who is it?" she called before she got to the door.

"S'me, love." Nigel's brogue replied.

For the first time in seventy-two hours, a smile twitched at the corner of her thin lips. She unlocked and opened the door to reveal Nigel leaning against the door-frame, a plastic bag of what smelled like Chinese food dangling nonchalantly from his left hand.

"I was wondering if you'd be by." she said.

Nigel closed his eyes and rested his forehead against the cool wooden door-frame. She noticed he was still wearing the over-sized and filthy bright yellow reflective jacket from the crash site.

"Mmm..." he replied noncommittally.

Jordan reached out and brushed a few strands of his ramrod straight hair out of his shadowed face. His hollow cheeks were smudged with soot and dirt.

"Did you come straight here?" she inquired gently.

He nodded silently, eyes still closed.

"Quit hovering in the doorway. Get in here." she scolded.

Nigel jerked suddenly, as if out of a dead sleep. Jordan guided the exhausted Brit in and shut and locked the door behind them. She tugged his jacket off his bony shoulder and long arms, noting the smell of smoke, death, and sweat that was coming off him in waves. To her credit, she only wrinkled her nose a bit.

He flopped down in the armchair he always inhabited when he was over, kicking off his boots and crossing one long leg over the other as he leaned his head back and rubbed his dirty face with an even dirtier fist. Jordan crossed to him, standing behind the chair and gazing down at him.

"Can we not talk about Devan?" he said flatly.

Jordan nodded in agreement, noticing how red his hazel eyes were and how puffy the skin around them was. She'd shed more than a few tears over the last two days; some of grief, some of regret, some of self pity. She felt empty of tears and had no desire herself to rehash the loss they had all suffered.

"That's fine with me." she leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to his smudged forehead, her fingers resting against his temples.

Nigel smiled for the first time since they'd discovered Devan's name on the passenger manifest.

"You _will_ be taking a shower though." Jordan said firmly. "Especially if you think you're sleeping in my bed tonight. Or 'today', rather. Since it's almost five in the morning already."

The lanky Brit groaned in dismay but heaved himself to his feet.

"You'll have to help, then." he said with a characteristic lascivious smile. "I'm not sure my brain can quite work out how clothes or showers work at this particular juncture."

Jordan rolled her eyes but followed him into the bathroom, swatting him on the butt and raising a small cloud of dust and dirt.

"Jesus christ, Nige. What did you do? Roll in the mud?!"

"Something like that." he replied, turning around and stealing a small kiss as she closed the bathroom door.

"Don't go trying to start anything, I worked a double before the crash and at this point I don't know my ass from my elbow." she said, her fingers working the button of his jeans free.

"Not planning to, darling girl." Nigel mumbled as she unzipped his zipper and yanked his jeans down, accidentally taking his boxers with them. "Although both your ass and your elbow are as fine a set of body parts as ever I have seen. Come shower with me." he said, unfazed.

Jordan grunted, stepping out of her pajama pants and stripping off her tank top before turning on the shower and stepping underneath the hot water as it cascaded down from the shower head. Nigel divested himself of the rest of his clothes and joined her under the soothing spray.

"Christ that's hot." he swore.

"It's perfect." she grinned.

She felt him slide a skinny arm around her middle as his front aligned with her back. He rested his chin on her shoulder as he stroked her tummy with his thumb. They stayed like that for a few minutes, letting the heat of the scalding water boil away the aches and pains of having worked for nearly forty-eight hours solidly. Jordan eventually turned around, pressing a kiss against his adam's apple before reaching for a bottle of shampoo. She poured out a handful and began working it into Nigel's dirty hair. Nigel grunted in approval as she worked the shampoo into a mad frothy mass.

Ten minutes later they were toweling off. Nigel rubbed vigorously at his hair with a small towel while another was wrapped around his slim hips.

"Jim jams where they usually are?" he inquired, padding out of the bathroom and making his way to the bedroom.

"Yep."

She heard the bottom drawer of her dresser opening. That was his drawer now. It held a few changes of clothes, spare pajamas, a razor or two, and some of his favourite books in paperback. She'd deemed it a necessity after Bug had noticed Nigel coming into work in last night's clothes one too many times.

After years of what had been casual workplace flirting, dramatic relationship endings, and her and Woody's on-again-off-again non-relationship; Nigel had finally made a first, tentative move. Which she of course had turned down. When she had run into him later at her father's bar, staring melancholically into what was apparently his fourth Johnny Walker, the two had gotten royally smashed together and it had been Jordan who jumped his bones as soon as they'd managed to get the door to her apartment closed.

Neither was really sure what to call the thing they had. In fact, both steadfastly refused to name it. It worked. They worked. They fitted together in a way that was too perfect for labels or for thinking about. It had been a few months now, since after the last time she and Woody had attempted to make a go of it. That didn't matter now. All that mattered was he made her happy and she made him happy and it somehow _worked_.

Jordan finished drying off, grabbed their dirty clothes off the floor and tossed them in the laundry basked after rescuing Nigel's wallet and phone from his jeans pockets. Entering her bedroom, Nigel was tying the drawstring of his plaid pajama pants. She smiled, looking him up and down and enjoying immensely the view before stealing the t-shirt he had just been about to put on and putting it on herself. It just about covered her bum but it was all she needed.

"Suit yourself." he smirked, raising an eyebrow as he gazed appreciatively at her barely concealed posterior.

"Oh please. There's barely anything there." she rolled her eyes, smacking herself on the bum.

"Love, I am the president of tiny bottomed committee and sadly, you are not tiny bottomed enough to be accepted into our esteemed brethren." Nigel replied.

"Ooookaaaayyyyy then, Nige." she laughed, placing a hand in the middle of his chest and pushing him backwards so that he landed flat on his back on her bed. "Time for you to get some sleep, as you're making even less sense than usual."

He looked up at her through half hooded eyes that were bleary with exhaustion.

"Y'know," Nigel said. "watching Woody go through this... it makes one..."

Jordan knelt over him, pressing a finger against the Brit's thin, chapped lips.

"I know, Nige. I know."

Nigel kissed the finger resting against his lips.

"I'd just... I'd hate for something to happen to me and you not know-"

"Nige, I know. You don't need to say anything."

His eyes fluttered open once more and their gazes met.

"I don't?"

"Nah, I know."

"Ah."

"Nige?"

"Yes, Jordan?"

She leaned down and kissed him, stroking his hollow cheek and tangling her fingers in his soft, slightly damp hair.

"Me too." she murmured.

Nigel let out a happy but extremely sleepy sigh. Jordan climbed over him and pulled the blanket up over the two of them and wiggled herself backwards so that her bum was situated in his lap. Unconsciously, Nigel reached out and pulled her into him with one arm, burying his face in the nape of her neck.

Jordan covered his hand with her, interlacing their fingers before closing her eyes. She'd call Garrett as soon as she woke up to let him know that neither of them would be in today. For now, she needed sleep and so did Nigel.


	2. Unchained, Unchanged

Takes place Se4Ep20 "Forget me Not"

AN: A continuation of the previous chapter.

Unchained, Unchanged

Tentative, hesitant, and anxious, Jordan waited next to Bug for Nigel to come through the doors of the Boston PD precinct. She shifted her weight from foot to foot impatiently. It was a bit like waiting for a bomb to go off. You knew it was going to happen, you knew it was inevitable, you could most likely do little to nothing to stop it, and the aftermath was going to be hell to deal with.

Nigel pushed open the doors, shoulders slumped and head bowed slightly. He sensed more than saw Jordan and Bug waiting for him at the end of the corridor. He wasn't sure if he was glad to see them or if he wanted to run in the opposite direction. The humiliation and hurt of being used to further a desperate woman's agenda was almost more than he could bear. Honestly, he couldn't be angry with Sarah and that was part of the problem. She had done all she could to protect her child and maintain custody of Maddy. His chest tightened again as the flood of feelings and memories and hopes washed over him. He'd had so much hope when Sarah had started asking him to stay the night. He'd just come off the ending of his and Jordan's whatever they had and he'd been flattered and excited to become a part of Sarah and Maddy's world. It was like having a ready made family dropped in his lap; something he'd hoped for for years but had pretty much given up on, especially after Jordan had broken up with him.

He trudged toward his friends, feeling like every limb had ten pound weights attached to it.

"So uh... anyone up for a little all you can eat at the Beef and Brew?" Bug asked nervously.

"Sounds good to me." Jordan said, a little too brightly. "Nige?"

Nigel gazed at her, every emotion in the book he had about Jordan crashing into the wall of exhaustion and grief the last twenty-four hours had created for him.

"Sounds good." he replied quietly, attempting to smile.

Jordan's thin lips curled into a genuine grin and she snaked an arm over his shoulder, pulling him close. On his other side, Bug lent a supportive arm around his other shoulder and they walked three abreast down the hallway and out of the station.

Some hours later, they sat together in a corner booth at the Beef and Brew. Or more accurately; Nigel and Jordan sat together in a corner booth while an uncharacteristically jovially intoxicated Bug sang karaoke on the small stage. To be even more accurate, Jordan was quietly watching Nigel down one glass of whiskey sour after the other. Nigel had tried to limit himself to just a few drinks, but once he had gotten started and the comforting warmth of the caramel coloured beverage had hit his stomach and numbed his brain, he didn't want to stop. He knew it was a mistake and he knew it would end in disaster for him, but somehow the minute to minute numbness and inability to feel anything but warm, happy bliss was at this particular moment in time worth the debilitating hangover and embarrassment that was likely to occur tomorrow

Jordan watched him cautiously over the rim of the drink she had been nursing for the majority of the evening. The bomb was set to go off, she could feel it. She knew the damage that had been done to him and she knew it was probably going to be the straw that broke the camel's back.

Things had been awful and tense between them since their "breakup". Their interactions at the morgue had been weird and sporadic, as Nigel's reactions to situations like theirs was to shut down and avoid all contact for fear of more hurt.

"I can't feel my face." Nigel said, a little too loudly.

Jordan's lips almost twitched into a smile.

"You should probably stop then." she said, nodding to his nearly empty glass.

He frowned, first at the glass and then at her.

"I can still feel the rest of me though."

Nigel raised his glass in the direction of the passing waitress and nodded for a refill.

"Sure about that, Nige?" Jordan asked.

He didn't respond, only finishing the two fingers or so of liquid still swilling around the ice. As the waitress refilled his drink and walked away, he stared morosely straight ahead, steadfastly refusing to make eye contact with Jordan.

"How come Buggles gets to get drunk and enjoy himself and I just wind up feeling..."

"Numb?" she finished for him. "Well, you're a scientist. You should be able to work that one out."

"Fucking _chemistry_." he muttered, tossing back the drink and slamming the empty glass onto the table.

Jordan surreptitiously motioned for the check. Turning back to Nigel, she watched his hands white knuckle themselves around the now empty glass. Honestly, she was surprised he hadn't shattered it. The waitress delivered the check and Nigel grabbed it, throwing down a wad of twenties back to the waitress.

"Keep the change, love." he said as the young woman gawked at him.

Their bill settled, Nigel stood up abruptly.

"I need some air." he said shortly, half stumbling out of the booth and striding out of the dark restaurant.

She followed after him, noticing Bug at the bar chatting with a rather nice looking young lady in a crop top and mini skirt. Jordan grinned at him, winked, and received the ok sign back from him.

Jordan pushed open the door and found Nigel with his back to the brick wall, gazing up at the cloudy night sky. She sidled up to him, letting their thighs touch as she leaned against the wall next to him. They both remained silent for a long moment.

"I'm so sorry this happened to you, Nige." she said after a while.

He shrugged.

"I suppose I should be used to things like this by now."

"You should be used to having girlfriends who use your job as a way to get away with a crime?"

"Yes. No. I don't know. Something like that." he waved a hand in the air noncommittally. "I should be used to rejection by now. God knows it's happened enough."

Jordan was silent for a long moment.

"Nige... Why don't you come back to mine for tonight?"

Nigel laughed bitterly.

"I don't need or want a pity fuck, Jordan."

She bit back the urge to smack him and yell at him. She knew he was hurting and lashing out to protect himself.

"That's not what I was offering, but ok." she said, reigning in her own anger.

Jordan felt him shift beside her. Inside, someone with a remarkably smooth voice was crooning the Righteous Brother's "Unchained Melody". She looked up at Nigel and was horrified to see silent tears streaking his hollow cheeks. Pure, unrestrained grief that she had neither seen nor felt for quite some time etched itself across his sharp features.

"What's wrong with me?" he whispered to no one in particular. "What's wrong with me that I'm only good for a quick fuck or an alibi?"

He slid down the wall a few inches, fingers splaying out on the rough brickwork. Jordan swung around and stood in front of him, grabbing him firmly by the collar of his plaid button up.

"Alright, that's enough. There's _nothing_ wrong with you, Nigel. You're sweet and kind and genuine. You're the kind of guy who would break the law for someone you love, regardless of the consequences."

"None of those things matter, Jordan." he said dully, staring through her. "They didn't matter enough for us to stick things out together. It doesn't matter if I'm 'nice', I'm apparently not good enough for anyone to stay."

"Nigel..."

"Everyone leaves. Everyone leaves and they all take a piece of me with them. One day there's going to be nothing left of me and I will just collapse in on myself because all of my bones will be broken or dust and all of my organs will be gone because I was foolish and gave away pieces of myself and I cannot ever _ever_ get those pieces back." he babbled.

The world had begun spinning and he held onto the wall, hoping it would enable him to stay on this planet and not go hurtling away into space.

"Nigel stop it-"

"I can't! I can't... I wasn't good enough for you." he choked.

"Nige..."

"I can't fault you for it, I can't blame you. I just... I want... I wish..."

"Shhhh. Nige, calm down." she murmured soothingly, taking his face in her hands and making him look at her. His tears wet her palms and strands of his dark hair clung to her fingers. "Breathe. Nigel, breathe."

"I don't want to be here anymore." Nigel mumbled.

The bomb had exploded. Now the mess was left and Jordan was the one to pick up the pieces.

"Ok. You're coming home with me." she said firmly.

"I don't want to be a burden. I don't want you to think you have to be with me to make sure I don't do anything stupid." he said, voice cracking and hoarse.

"That's not why you're coming home with me. And if I want to be with you, I'm going to be and it's not going to be because you manipulated me. If you think that's even a remote possibility you haven't been paying attention."

Nigel closed his eyes tightly.

"Goddamnit... Jordan... I love you. So much. If I could I would just die in your arms and that would be enough." he slurred. "I'm so very _very_ tired."

"I know, love." she replied, using his favourite pet name. "You're coming home with me, we'll get some sleep and then figure the rest of the details out in the morning.

And so they did. Jordan called for a cab and bundled the intoxicated Brit into it, climbing in after him and giving the cabbie instructions to deliver them to her apartment.

In the cab, Nigel rested his forehead against the cool glass of the window, staring sightlessly at the passing dark Boston streets. Beside him, Jordan lay a tentative hand on his thigh, rubbing the denim of his jeans compulsively. After a long moment, she felt his long, thin fingers intertwine with her own. She smiled in the semidarkness of the backseat. All the aggression and tension that had been between them seemed to have melted away. It was as if things were unchanged from months ago.

The cab's brakes squealed and Jordan leaned into the front seat to pay the driver.

"You need any help with your boyfriend, sweetheart?" the gruff cabbie inquired.

"Oh no thanks. It's not the first time, doubt it'll be the last." she said with a grin, patting the driver on the shoulder companionably.

Jordan got out of the cab, guiding Nigel with her and sliding his arm around her shoulder to support him as they ambled in a round about way into her building. In the elevator, she leaned him against the wall. He leaned his head against the metal wall and grinned at her. A huge, dorky, drunken smile that lit up his whole face. This was Nigel unrestrained, unfettered, and genuine. The elevator creaked to a halt and she stepped out of it, Nigel directly behind her. He tripped on the entry to the hallway and unceremoniously grabbed onto Jordan to avoid falling face first onto tile. She yelped, pulling his arms around her waist and feeling his chin rest on her shoulder, stubbly cheek scratching against her own. Together they shuffled awkwardly to her door which she unlocked and shoved open.

They didn't so much enter the apartment as fall into it. The first thing Jordan did was manhandle Nigel onto the couch. She knelt next to him and unlaced and pulled off his Doc Martens. She burst out laughing when she saw his socks.

"Where the hell did you find Halloween cat argyle socks?!" she exclaimed, pulling the socks down and tucking them into his boots.

"I have my sources." he replied, trying to tap the side of his nose and missing entirely.

His head fell to his chest and he looked up at her bleary eyed. Backlit by the dim table lamp, she almost glowed, the dark brown of her hair becoming a warm and comforting halo as she gazed up at him from her position on her knees in from of him. He could feel her small, long fingered hand wrapped gently around his ankle, where it had lain since she'd removed his socks. To be touched... oh to be touched was heaven. Even so infinitesimal an exchange.

"Why d'you put up with me?" he slurred.

"I don't need to answer that. Come on. Let me put you to bed." she urged, standing up and tugging him upright.

"Will you be there?" he asked, worriedly.

"Yes, love. I'll be there."

She pulled him with her into her bedroom, tucking him into bed and wrapping the covers around him before sliding in behind him.

"Mmm... 'Love'." Nigel repeated, voice slightly muffled by the pillow.

"Hmm?"

"You called me 'love'." he said happily.

"Yes, I did." she pressed a tentative kiss to his jawline, tucking a strand of messy black hair behind his overlarge ear.

"You're m'love jetpack." he giggled quietly.

She laughed aloud.

"What?!"

He craned his neck so that he could almost see her.

"You're too small to spoon. Your m'jetpack."

Jordan patted his cheek.

"Go to sleep, Nige. I'll remind you of this in the morning spaceboy."

"Mmmm... S'a Bowie song, you know..."

Moments later she could hear him breathing slow and deep and even. Jordan snuggled deep into the blankets and Nigel's back, wrapping her arm around his bony hips as their breathing matched up and sleep overtook her as well.

*&^%$%^&*


End file.
